


Oh Captain, My Captain

by CaptainThotiana



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Ash Tyler Needs A Hug (And Therapy), Flashbacks, Happy Ending, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, disassociating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 07:58:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19389862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainThotiana/pseuds/CaptainThotiana
Summary: Ash thinks about Lorca. Lots to unpack there.WARNING! References past emotional abuse and one instance of minor physical abuse. Stay safe.





	Oh Captain, My Captain

**Author's Note:**

> AO3 stop deleting my h*cking work thx.
> 
> Finally finished it! Darker than usual but wanted to get it out.
> 
> Don’t worry, Aisha, they’ll fuck eventually.

The first time they kissed came after the first time they had sex.

Their first time had been following an incredibly long day, and Ash was desperate for any kind of comfort. The crew didn’t trust him and at this point neither did Michael, so he turned to Lorca.

He’d stood outside of the door to Lorca’s quarters for a few minutes, feeling an overwhelming sense of panic and anxiety rise the longer he waited.

Finally, as if it was by some phantom hand, the door chimed, and Lorca appeared.

“Yes?”

Ash almost managed to keep himself from flinching. God, he was a mess.

“Hey,” he said, so softly he could have missed it if he hadn’t been the one to speak.

Lorca sighed, thought about it for a few moments, and stepped back from the doorway.

“Come in.”

Ash had followed him inside like an obedient dog, flinching at any and all sudden movements and trying to take up as little space as he could.

Lorca had tutted, sighed, and stepped into his space to take hold of his wrists, keeping him grounded.

An hour later, Ash was in bed with him, sated, naked, and curled up with him under the covers.

The dim lights were natural and cozy, and illuminated Gabriel, as he was then, in a soft halo of warm light. Ash had wanted to touch his face then but hadn’t known where to start, how to do anything but follow orders and be afraid.

Gabriel had smiled, kissed him softly, and fallen asleep.

———

Lorca only hit him once.

———

Gabriel was rarely angry, and he’d never raised his voice at Ash or snapped at him, even inadvertently.

But there was a frustrated tension in his shoulders when Ash came to his quarters one night, after yet another plan gone wrong, and it didn’t go away like scalding-hot, momentary anger did.

Gabriel sighed and let him in, giving the door a moment to close before pressing Ash up against it and promptly making out with him, sliding a thigh between his legs and biting at his bottom lip.

They’d fucked against the door that night, then again in the shower, and once quickly in the morning before their shifts.

The cold, dry anger wasn’t gone, but lust disguised it well.

———

Lorca only hit him once.

———

A few weeks after whatever it was started, Ash was in his quarters alone one night as Gabriel wrapped up an away mission.

He had just showered and stood in front of the bathroom mirror, ignoring the many scars Gabriel had never took special note of in favor of the fresh bruises on his hips and thighs. He turned and caught sight of some on his arms, where Lorca had left his claim on him.

He hadn’t noticed the bruises before.

———

Lorca only hit him once.

———

Staring at his reflection for long enough would make the sanest man go mad, but Ash’s scars were neatly-sliced or crudely-torn time bombs ticking away towards another panic attack.

Gabriel pulled him away if he stared in the mirror too long, telling him to leave the past in the past and usually following it with sex, rough and passionate and intimate and cold, against a nearby surface or occasionally on a bed.

Ash wasn’t allowed to dwell on things very long. He didn’t know if that was a blessing or not.

———

Lorca only hit him once.

———

The bruises were many and covered Ash’s thighs and hips and arms, and he was glad he had no other friends on the ship because he doubted they’d understand how the pain made him feel alive, kept him mercifully in the present.

———

Lorca only hit him once.

———

Lorca didn’t yell at him often, and always apologized promptly and made it up to him, kissing him softly and guiding him towards a bed.

It always stung a little when it happened, though.

Ash never wanted an argument, but they happened anyways and Lorca was always the first one and the only one to yell.

Apologies didn’t make the little flicker of pain in Ash’s heart any less.

———

Lorca only hit him once.

———

It was in the middle of an argument, where the worst of people could be found.

Maybe it was always there, and in peaceful moments no one wanted to look.

Everything had gone wrong, because everything always went wrong, and Lorca was yelling again—not at Ash, but he might as well be.

“Gabriel, please just calm down,” Ash has said, and Lorca had only grown colder at that.

Moments later, Ash was on the receiving end of a slap in the face.

The room once filled with hot anger was suddenly drowning in silence.

“Never touch me again,” Ash said quietly, and left.

———

The only break in the endless staring at the ceiling came from going to the bathroom to vomit his insides up.

Ash didn’t sleep that night.

———

Gabriel was a traitor all along. Ash wanted to use that as an excuse for why he was the way he was—that he was a villain with a bigger plan. Or maybe he was just an asshole and Ash was lying to himself.

Either way, Lorca died a painful death and they all returned to their own universe, greeted by a new captain, news that they’d been gone longer than they thought, and something new to track down across the universe.

The first night of peace Ash got since they returned was the night after the shuttle, where he decided that maybe not all captains were terrible people on the inside and tried his best not to flinch when Pike moved.

It wasn’t very peaceful.

He tossed and turned for a while before giving up on sleep and tossing his uniform back on, finding himself at a familiar door before he realized where he was.

Pike answered it.

“Can we talk?” Ash blurted out before his mind could talk him out of it.

“Sure,” Pike replied, a little warily. “Come in.”

Ash followed him in, shushing his traitorous brain whenever it reminded him of any other captain that used to be in the room.

He was standing in the same place he had been only a little while ago, where Lorca had hit him and everything had started to end, when he came back to the present.

Pike’s hand was on his face, not to strike him but to keep him grounded.

“Was I doing it again?” Ash asked, very quietly, like he could just disappear.

Pike gave him a concerned look. “Do you dissociate often?”

“I don’t know,” Ash replied honestly, and his hands were shaking as much as his voice.

He was expecting something the same as last time, but Pike sat him down on the couch instead and they talked until they woke up the next morning, having dozed off mid-conversation.

Ash thought to himself that maybe Chris wasn’t so bad.

———

Back on Earth a few years later, Ash woke up in bed with his once-captain who was now his husband, and thought back to that evening.

Chris was nothing like Lorca, and everything like perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> Ninth fic!
> 
> Praise/roast as you will.


End file.
